The fine art of negotiating...

Wow. Talk about a blood pressure rise! All the days of rough toddler hood can't even begin to compare to one argument with a teenager. I am ready for a nap. They know it all and I don't know anything. Plus, I think during the course of the argument she forgets who has the keys, the money, heck-the authority!! Or do I?

Sometimes guilt will get the best of you and you will find yourself negotiating a situation. When that is not good enough, you have a choice: give in or stick to your guns. The way I see it you face some guilt either way. I find myself second guessing my decision. Was I too hard? Was it really that big of a deal? Or the opposite. Will I regret that I let her go despite my reservations about it?

I don't have a problem with negotiation. I think it is good and I think it is healthy. They will have to negotiate their whole lives. Better they learn young. But they must also learn when enough is enough. Be it a parent, a teacher, a professor, a boss, or an employee. That is a hard lesson. I do not think that I was taught the art of successful negotiation and it has hurt me. We were not allowed to negotiate anything with our father. So, I didn't learn. I have a hard time asking for a raise when I deserve it, time off, anything for that matter. Then it builds up and I get angry.

I didn't want it to be that way for my children. Since I never learned, though, I don't think I had the right tools to teach it. There is still work to be done. I know this because I just got off the phone with my 13 yo and the negotiations ending up with her angry and me angrier. After 10 phone calls, it is finally settled, but not without that anger, those outbursts, and now regret. Or is it guilt?

Back to the drawing board.

Bigger kids, bigger prices...

Oh, the days of easy Christmas shopping. I remember being so happy to find the perfect little "hot" item for my children. Really, by little I am talking a $25.00 Polly Pocket van or playground or something like that. Not so today. It was just last year that she was so into Polly. Nope. Now Polly is "so not cool, mom-uh". Ok, then maybe a CD player? Yeah, right. Last year it was an iPod. Well, we opted for the Zen Micro because it had a FM player and I get tired of hearing, "can you change the station, please..." when we are driving. Annoying.

This year, the list has two items! Cool! Ha! One is a blackberry and one is "a bunch of Abercrombie and Fitch" clothing. I don't know about you but I have tolerated that store many times. I can't hear myself think and although it smells awesome when you go in, by the time you leave your head is pounding and your nose is clogged. Yes, some of the clothes are cute, but even the XL looks like a M. So...out of the question for me by far. Even if I did want to be cool.

I have a few weeks to work my magic on getting out of this one, but you know that "Mother Magic" is the best. I will keep you posted.

Am I my mother?

Last night we all went to my niece's Sweet Sixteen party. Now, she went all out. The Grande Entrance and all!! Wow. It was like a wedding or maybe a coming out debutante ball. Except we don't really do the deb thing in this family. Actually, this was the first one I have been to.

It was tons of work and planning for my sister. I actually felt bad for her. But, it did turn out nice and the kids had fun, I think. I definitely think my niece had a blast.

But...the adults. Well, that's different. I did not know any of the music. Lots of rap type music. When something good did come on, it was quickly changed after a loud "ewww, no!" roar from the floor. My head is still carrying some type of beat, like the sound you hear from the car three cars behind you where you are feeling vibrations on your steering wheel. You know what I mean.

Thing is as I watched my 13 yo dancing (I sure didn't know she knew that move!! Much less the song!!) I realized I have become "a mom". Well sure, I have known I was a mom since my oldest was born over 23 years ago, but I wasn't "a mom". I was still a cool person, in the know, you know? I thought back then that I would never be out of the know. Nope, not me. I would keep up with trends, clothes styles, music, tv shows...yep, I was cool.

When did it happen? I didn't feel it happening. Surely, it must have been when I was sleeping. Really. I think I woke up one day and didn't know the world out there anymore. Wow. I am my mother. My father. Maybe even my grandmother!

I guess maybe I have seen a little of it coming, now that I am thinking about it. My daughter will look at my clothes sometimes and say, "uh, no mom. Not good". What?!!! Then, I get defensive and say, "well I am not in Jr. High!! I can't wear Abercrombie. They make their Larges like Smalls. Shows every little bulge!! Imagine what it might do to a slightly bigger than little one?" While I defend it, I do feel a twinge of loss of my youth. It passes, though.

I am getting older. We all are. This is what we are supposed to do. Right? Yes. But, that does not mean anything bad. On the contrary, it is good. I like that I am wiser. I am more comfortable with who I am, even the not-so-good side. I like that I have choices and I am in charge of them. I still grow, every day I learn something new and I am in awe that I did. I actually recognize it. I like my music. My choice of tv shows. My clothes need some help, but I tend to buy less for me because I do not work outside the home. But I will and when I do, I will have a field day shopping. Right now, it costs an arm and a leg to keep a teen happy with her clothes!

Yes, I am my mother, my father and my grandparents. And I like it.

Learning a new language is tough!

Boy oh boy! It is hard enough to keep up with the diverse languages in this country but in your own home? Geesh! First, I had to learn how to read a newborns mind. Easy enough, huh? Got that down and while I was still communicating in that language-BOOM! Toddler-ese comes along. That one was a little harder than newborn. This one truly depended on not only their moods, but mine too. It is really hard to continue to be frustrated at the little bundle when you know that they don't understand you. Toddlers? Different story. They do understand you, they just don't want to. Get through that! There are also subsets of that language such as; the paccie garble, the words-through-sobs language, the all-of-a-sudden-I-am-too-shy-to-speak language, and how about knowing when to distinguish a serious "mommy" over a not so serious one? Whew? I could be a child interpreter. I wonder if the FBI or the CIA needs one? I already have the experience.

But, wait! The adolescent language! Almost forgot that one. I wish I could have hired an interpreter for this lesson. Let me say this was truly the toughest one. It was like someone replaced the kids that were mine with some foreign beings. Overnight. I really did lock the windows and doors at night so the aliens didn't get in. Guess they don't pay attention to locks.

If you could get them to speak, it was either a "what do you know" language or a "do I have to?" whiny language. Oh yeah, let me not forget the "mom, I really love you, can I..." language. It was pretty predictable, which is a nice change because toddler-ese is so not!

Somewhere in there came high tech and the "IM, texting" language. It really does exist. It is just not a TV commercial for T-Mobile. This is how we communicate now:

Me: So, what time is the show?

Her: idk

Me: Where is it at? I need to know so that I can put it in my schedule. Are you getting a ride to or from? I will do one way but...

Her: MOM--OMG! Y? u said b4 that u wuld drv!!

Me: ok, just find the info out that I need so I know what is going on.

Her: k, mom, ily.

And they actually SAY the letters. Crazy. I can see why kids are struggling with learning how to spell. Spell check actually has a field day with that!



Unfortunately for the youngest, I know the language now. I am well versed and sometimes she pays for the past lessons. I have to be careful and realize every child is different. Yet, on the other hand, they are only a stone's throw from all being the same.

Get your license!!

Apparently not every teenager is in a hurry to get their license. I want to know if anyone has noticed this lately, but it seems that there are more and more teens putting off getting their license.

My second daughter didn't get hers until she was 18 and was just fine with that. She was either toted (not by me) around, paid friends, walked or didn't go anywhere. Just fine with that. My son is 17 and still does not have his. I ask him about this and he says that it is his dad's fault. Maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. Now, I will say that my ex does drag his feet about everything. He is late to everything and thinks it is OK. Bad lesson for the children. It grinds me.

Anyway, I remember when getting you license was HUGE! Especially, it seemed, for boys. They counted down the minutes. I got mine later than usual because I didn't have a car to drive. I barely had one to take the test in. Brakes were bad, blinkers didn't work, you had to manually flick them. I think they passed me because they did not want to have to ride in that old Vega again.

I told my ex that I will not go around chasing after a 17 yo that should have his license. So, if he wants to tote him all over, go for it. He says he thinks that my son is scared and he doesn't want to put him on the road being afraid. Well, you know, I think most kids are scared. It is what keeps them on their toes at first. Too cocky and there will be accidents. You have to trust them, like it or not, at some point. I told his dad that Shane (my son) did not need to go on a cross country trip right away but that I was sure he could navigate the city. Geez. Give the kid some credit. He has been driving. He has put his hours in.

I think it comes down to this: my ex is scared that his little boy is growing up.

Halloween with teens...

When my kids were young, Halloween was really kind of exciting. Maybe I can say that now, looking back. Dressing them up in outfits of characters they dream of growing up to be, (sorry about the grim reapers, the Jasons, Freddies and such. Mine liked princesses, except my son who was into Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles) with makeup they were only allowed to wear at this time and getting all the candy you could for once.

Fast forward, and I do mean fast, to adolescence. OK, Taylor's Tinkerbell costume was actually cute once she borrowed a green dress from her older sis. Of course, I was not allowed to walk with her, which I didn't think I would ever miss. She was going with friends. One thing you didn't have to worry about when you were with your toddlers. Off she went into the night.

We just got her a cell phone so that she could communicate with us so I was OK with that but...you still worry.

Me and hubby sat out on the porch, was a great night this year weather-wise, and passed out candy to all the little goblins and gabbed to the parents in tow. We live in a sub that is a circle, one way in and the same way out. This is not necessarily conducive for running and hitting all the houses you can. Plus, you can't glance down the street and see if it is even worth it because you can't view all the homes to see if their lights are on. So about 7:30 pm we were done. I figured (shame on me, that was a lesson long ago learned from the older girls) that she would call me soon to pick her up at her friends. Nope. I finally called her after 8 and she said she was on her way to her friends, she was in a sub by the school. OK, that could be ANYWHERE. We have been here almost 4 years and I still manage to get lost in the subs, always amazed at the streets I never knew were in there. I told her to hurry and call me when she got there.

8:30 pm-nothing. I call her, she tells me they are in a sub by the school, making their way out. Hmmm. I am not happy. Get to the school and call me NOW, I say.

8:50 pm-nothing. I call her and tell her that I am coming to the school and she best be there. She is blaming it all on her friend and trying hard to get out of this one. I am furious (mostly because she had me so worried, but I don't let her know that right away)

9:00 pm-I get to the school and lo and behold! some other kids (boys) are walking the other way as if they didn't know anyone else was around. Hmmmm, I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday. My kids never did get that.

All in all, she was safe and that is important. Equally important was me explaining to her the dangers of "hanging out" at night and that I don't care what your friends are saying or doing, you know the difference between right and wrong AND you have a phone so if you don't exercise those options, you are just as guilty.

And, she will be passing out candy next year.

Introduction

Just thought I should give a brief background. Sometimes blogs are hard to follow if you don't quite know everyone and where they fit.

My name is Kim and I have 4 children. Three daughters, 23, 22, and 13 going on 30, (like the movie) one son, 17. Two younger daughters live here and my son lives a couple miles away with his dad. My oldest is in an apt with friends. You obviously gathered that I am divorced and remarried. I waited 12 years to remarry and I am glad that I did. I was in no rush to jump in again.

My first three children's father and I amicably split up. At least that is what I thought. My youngest daughter's father and I were together for about 5 years, but never married.

My son was 13.5 when he moved in with his dad and although I am sure there were ulterior motives on his father's part (mainly child support), I did not want to put him through a huge custody battle. It really broke my heart, but he is not far away and his dad is not a deadbeat or anything so...I guess that fathers are good parents too! (Besides, I was in the midst of two teenage girls and their dad didn't really help me deal with that, so I figured he can give it a shot. Just so happens my son is so easy going-no comparison)

My current husband is 9.5 yrs younger than me with no children. He didn't want any and that was OK. At first I didn't believe him. I figured one day he would. Nothing yet, that I know of anyway. He loves my children dearly as if they were his. That is, unless we have a problem, then they are mine, but all in all, he is a good step dad. He has been with my children for 8 years. That's about as long as I was married the first time!

We have a dog too, a Lhasa Apso named Max. I gotta tell you, I used to love animals when I was younger. I wanted to own and run a chimpanzee farm! I did not take in to consideration the clean up and maintenance. Whew. Almost like having a kid. Some things are easier such as; leaving a bowl of the same stuff out once a day, they don't argue, ('course they don't always listen to you either) and um...well...I guess that is all I can think of at the moment on the easier side. On the same level; even when they grow up the care is still the same, you have to pick up their poop forever, they bark for nothing, they don't pick up anything except fleas, you have to pay to get them groomed (at least with a Lhasa), and when they aren't outside playing and goofing off they are inside laying around. Hmmm, why would any mom want a dog? I might as well as had another kid! But anyway, I let them talk me into one. Silly me, buying the 'ole "but mom you won't have to do anything, we will do it all!" And I bought it and the dog. Enough about that, it's embarrassing. You would think I would know all the pitfalls.

There is always tomorrow.

Things I hear from moms of toddlers...

This is funny, being the mom of adolescents and early twenties (whom are really not much more than adolescents in my book) listening to the comments from moms of young ones.

Me: Well, I have to get going, Taylor has a project to complete and she needs to go to her friends to complete it.

Them: What?!!! If my kids were going somewhere, I woulda left along time ago!

Me: Well, yeah, but it is to the point where, believe it or not, I am begging for her to stay home.

Them: Pfffttt, I doubt that will ever happen. I just want to pee in private--once.



Them: How did you ever do it with 4? I can't handle the two I have?

Me: I don't know. I drank alot? Not really, you just can't believe how fast time goes and all of a sudden you are at their graduation. Really. Maybe I was just on auto pilot.

Them: You're right. I don't believe it.


Them: Geez, you got your 13 year old a phone? I will NOT do that!! What does a 13 year old need a phone for?

I don't even argue that one because about a year ago, I agreed. Now, I have a fit if she doesn't have it on or doesn't answer it.


Them: I don't give my child any sugar at all. I don't want her to be fat. I don't want her to develop a taste for it.

Once again, the comment stays in my head. There are just some things that people have to learn themselves. Really, unless you will be homeschooling, they sell the stuff in the hallways. Good Luck. But, I guess the longer you keep them off it the less they have had it--makes sense. Plus, note the "child". When you only have one it is easy to stay on track. I think anyway. By the time my 4th (or could have been my third) came along, I didn't sterilize the pacifier when it fell on the floor at Target, I wiped it off on my pants and popped it back in. Crazy, huh?

There are many more and I will add them occasionally. It is funny to think that I once thought those thoughts.

Birds and the bees...

So, my daughter and I drove out to my MIL's house for a kiddie Halloween party yesterday. The drive would take about 45 minutes to an hour. Nice alone time with the youngest, I thought. As I was tooling along, I realized that it was relatively silent. I mean, there was the radio playing softly, but no teenage jabber going on. When I was thinking "alone time", I didn't mean her over there with her iPod plugged in and me listening to the radio. I was kind of hoping for some interaction. You know, mom to daughter conversation. Apparently, daughter had different ideas.

Well, I needed to change that, so I decided to take the opportunity to start a discussion of sex. Yep, it was probably a couple years overdue, even though I didn't want to believe it. The experts (who?) say kids know more than we think they do at a young age. I wanted to be the responsible parent and let her know she could talk to me about it now, not when it was too late. I don't really remember how I approached this with my two older daughters (yep, memory lapses). I would have to go by my gut...

Conversation went like this:

Me, loudly at first to get over the iPod: SO, I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD DISCUSS THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

Her: Huh? What birds and bees, mom? (maybe that was only when I was young)

Me: You know--sex.

Her: Oh. Well, mom, we already did that for the last 3 years in school. I'm good.

Me: Yeah, I know but the way they talk about it in school is much different than how it is talked about on the streets with friends and computers and things.

Her: Like...

Me (OK, here goes): Well, for one I am sure that when you learned it in school, they spoke of menstruation, intercourse, vagina's, and penises, and I highly doubt that is how it is referred to between friends and such. Right? (Whew)

Her: Hehe. Yeah, you're right. But we know what it means. I'm good, mom.

Me, (this is NOT going to end this soon): Well, I just want you to know that if you have any questions, you do not have to be embarrassed to ask me. I know that you kids today have at you disposal so many different ways of hearing, seeing, reading and watching things that have to do with sex. And, they are sometimes blown out of proportion, like people add stuff and make it look like that is how it is supposed to be but it is usually not.

Her: OK, mom. I am not embarrassed. It just isn't a big thing in my world right now and by the way, I am not going to even have sex until I get married.

Me: That's what I thought. But, next year on the way to grama's, let's recap this, ok?

Her: Whatev.

And just like that the iPod was cranked back up. Only took about 20 minutes, if that. So, I did a little bonding there. I'll take it.

Tinkerbell, anyone?...

OK, I have been dealing with Halloween for a LONG time. Either by myself as a kid or for my own kids. Yes, I have had fun, but I think I am over it. I kind of just want to sit back and watch everyone else do their thing. But, alas, I am not done yet. I still have my youngest. I keep wondering when she will be over it. I don't want to push it or be a Halloween Scrooge, but every year the prices soar and the costumes get skimpier. I wish I was crafty, but I did not inherit that gene. One of my sisters did. My mother made all our costumes and they were GOOD!

So, off to the Halloween store we went. She is 13 going on 20 and she wanted to be Snow White. I am thinking, "OK not bad, but I know it is going to cost an arm and a leg, but let's not dwell on that right now, it could be worse, she could want to be one of Hugh Hefner's Girls". Well, I don't know if you have been to a Halloween store lately, but besides the scary costumes, everything is about skimpy!!! Geez, when did that happen? Snow White no longer has a gown, it is a short skirt and fishnet thigh high stockings with a bow on them!!! Walt is turning in his grave, I know it!!! Tinkerbell is a sleaze. Alice looks like she found Wonderland alright. Cinderella, Jasmine, Belle-well they all look like they work for the local madame.

So, of course she has to try it on. Of course the line to try them on is longer than a ride at Cedar Point. But we wait. And wait. Finally, we get in there and she tries it on. Unfortunately, we didn't take more than one costume with us. I know better, really I do, but I was still in shock and not thinking logically. She didn't like it. OK. Good. Too low cut on top, too high cut on bottom. I hurry and usher her out and guide her to the witches, ghosts, and goblins. Nope. Not cutting it. She wants to be pretty. After covering the whole store a couple times, we decide on a Tinkerbell costume. Looks a little longer, is not low cut. It even comes with the wings! Bargain at almost 40 bucks. Right? We look back at the line to try it on and decide it will fit her so forget the line.

After waiting in another roller coaster line, we pay and the cashier says, "all sales are final". Uh oh. Something tells me we should have tried it on. Too late. We are going home.

Well, you guessed it. It did not fit. Too small. It is very form fitting and she doesn't like that. Neither do I, but I don't say anything. I feel awful about it. So...I think I will have to go to the fabric store and concoct a little skirt to go over it for a little coverage. Me, the non crafty one. Maybe I will have to call on my mom to help.

Funny thing is, after all this, it will probably be so cold that she will be all bundled up anyway.
I love Halloween.

Hope yours is great!!!!

"I can't wait 'til I drive, Mom!"

Oh, the wonderful words! Frankly, I couldn't wait either. I mean, I knew that I would be nervous for them. I knew that I would worry. We always worry. But, to ask someone else to run to the store for milk?! The joys! The freedom! HA! Once again, I was foolish.

Here is how this goes:

Me: Hey, hon would you mind running to the store for some milk? (Mind you the store is not in another country or even city, you can actually walk if you wanted to!)

Her: Awww, mom, I don't feel like it, really. Can you ask Allie?

Me: Well, I asked her last time, I just figured...

Her: Well if I go then she will get on the computer and I will never get it back!

Me: I will make sure you do.

Her: Never works, Mom-auh. (Ok, things are getting touchy when they add the "auh" on any word.

Me: Fine, whatever. What happened to the days when you couldn't wait to drive?

Her: That was when I couldn't.

Yep, so I still drive as much as I did before and now I have the extra burden of worrying about them when they do drive. See how that works?

Boy was I wrong!

Wow, I can't believe that I ever uttered the words, "I can't wait until my kids get older. It has to be easier". Yep, I did. Many, many times. Don't get me wrong. I love my children and I always have. Right from the get go. But...as all parents know, there are definitely trying times. Doesn't matter how many you have either. Although, I longingly looked at parents with only one or even two and thought, "now that's the way to go". Seems that I may have looked into the actual causes of pregnancy, but nahhhh. Nope. I figured that my mom handled 5 of us smoothly, so I could handle 4 for sure. Now I wonder, did my mom handle it smoothly or did I just think she did. Let's face it, I was a kid. I was doing kid things. What did I know? Really. I thought I knew everything, HA!

I digress. As they got older, certain things did get easier. Like poopy butts, dirty faces, skinned knees...that kind of thing. What I didn't count on was "that time of the month", pierced faces, or tattoos on their skin. Not my kids. I mean, c'mon, I sent them to a Catholic school! I guess it didn't scare them. It was true what the other parents said. They said that I would regret ever thinking I wanted them to grow up. I didn't believe them. Wow, was I wrong. Sorry.