Responsibility

What is it to be responsible? I find it fairly simple, yet there are so many people that I run across that do not get it. That is what I don't "get".

In the wiktionary, responsible is defined as follows:


Answerable for an act performed or for its consequences; accountable; amenable, especially legally or politically.
Capable of responding to any reasonable claim; able to answer reasonably for one's conduct and obligations; capable of rational conduct.
Involving responsibility; involving a degree of personal accountability on the part of the person concerned.
Being a primary cause or agent of some event or action; capable of being credited for something, or of being held liable for something.
Able to be trusted; reliable; trustworthy.

That being said, what is so hard about this? Why do so many people feel that they are not responsible for their actions or decisions they make?

If you accrue the bills, you are held accountable for paying them. Like it or not. If you don't like it, it is simple--don't accrue them!

If you have a child, you take care of that child. Otherwise, practice birth control. It is widely available, heavily advertised and even taught in schools.

If you can't afford to do something--simple-DON'T DO IT!

Ok, my DD won a flower this weekend at a baby shower. She forgot it. Not too surprising. She is forgetful. Always has been. This did not crop up after her two bouts with chemo, although I am quite sure that it has not helped the situation. Anyway, I took it. I didn't want it because I KNOW that I kill plants. I have a dud colored thumb. I don't know why, I would like to grow things, but it just doesn't come easy for me. I am hoping that I can keep it alive long enough to transplant it back to her! So, I am going to do the responsible thing and take care of it until then.

If I cannot afford to barely put things on the table for my family to eat, then I don't take a vacation out of town, no matter how much I think I need or deserve it. No, I go take a bath and for a moment I will be swept away by Calgon. At least until I hear scuffling outside the door!

A couple years back, my DH and I let ourselves get roped into buying into a Campground Association. While the concept is great and so are the parks, we just don't use it much. Yet, I still pay on it. I didn't just stop paying, as much as I would love to. I am hoping that it sells to a family with younger children who will get more use out of it. They will get a great deal and I will have paid a costly price for that lesson. But, it is our costly lesson. We did it. No one FORCED it on us (although that sales guy was good).

My DH and I try very hard to do for ourselves. I would say the only thing that I really ask for help with is driving. I have mergeaphobia. I hate merging, which does affect my ability to travel to certain places. So, I will ask for help here occasionally. I try not to overdo that either, because frankly, I feel like an idiot about it. I have come a long way, I used to have left-turnaphobia too. I am over that. I hope to get over the other one day.

My point is that I know so many who don't pay their bills, for whatever reasons, like they don't have the money yet everytime you see them they are sporting new duds. So many who don't take responsibility for their own kids, yet will bunk in with someone elses and be a great parent to them. So many that depend on others to further them in life, yet will cause their own roadblocks.

I do not want to enable this behavior anymore. I will step forward and tell them nicely how to do these things themselves and that I love them.

The fine art of negotiating...

Wow. Talk about a blood pressure rise! All the days of rough toddler hood can't even begin to compare to one argument with a teenager. I am ready for a nap. They know it all and I don't know anything. Plus, I think during the course of the argument she forgets who has the keys, the money, heck-the authority!! Or do I?

Sometimes guilt will get the best of you and you will find yourself negotiating a situation. When that is not good enough, you have a choice: give in or stick to your guns. The way I see it you face some guilt either way. I find myself second guessing my decision. Was I too hard? Was it really that big of a deal? Or the opposite. Will I regret that I let her go despite my reservations about it?

I don't have a problem with negotiation. I think it is good and I think it is healthy. They will have to negotiate their whole lives. Better they learn young. But they must also learn when enough is enough. Be it a parent, a teacher, a professor, a boss, or an employee. That is a hard lesson. I do not think that I was taught the art of successful negotiation and it has hurt me. We were not allowed to negotiate anything with our father. So, I didn't learn. I have a hard time asking for a raise when I deserve it, time off, anything for that matter. Then it builds up and I get angry.

I didn't want it to be that way for my children. Since I never learned, though, I don't think I had the right tools to teach it. There is still work to be done. I know this because I just got off the phone with my 13 yo and the negotiations ending up with her angry and me angrier. After 10 phone calls, it is finally settled, but not without that anger, those outbursts, and now regret. Or is it guilt?

Back to the drawing board.

Bigger kids, bigger prices...

Oh, the days of easy Christmas shopping. I remember being so happy to find the perfect little "hot" item for my children. Really, by little I am talking a $25.00 Polly Pocket van or playground or something like that. Not so today. It was just last year that she was so into Polly. Nope. Now Polly is "so not cool, mom-uh". Ok, then maybe a CD player? Yeah, right. Last year it was an iPod. Well, we opted for the Zen Micro because it had a FM player and I get tired of hearing, "can you change the station, please..." when we are driving. Annoying.

This year, the list has two items! Cool! Ha! One is a blackberry and one is "a bunch of Abercrombie and Fitch" clothing. I don't know about you but I have tolerated that store many times. I can't hear myself think and although it smells awesome when you go in, by the time you leave your head is pounding and your nose is clogged. Yes, some of the clothes are cute, but even the XL looks like a M. So...out of the question for me by far. Even if I did want to be cool.

I have a few weeks to work my magic on getting out of this one, but you know that "Mother Magic" is the best. I will keep you posted.

Am I my mother?

Last night we all went to my niece's Sweet Sixteen party. Now, she went all out. The Grande Entrance and all!! Wow. It was like a wedding or maybe a coming out debutante ball. Except we don't really do the deb thing in this family. Actually, this was the first one I have been to.

It was tons of work and planning for my sister. I actually felt bad for her. But, it did turn out nice and the kids had fun, I think. I definitely think my niece had a blast.

But...the adults. Well, that's different. I did not know any of the music. Lots of rap type music. When something good did come on, it was quickly changed after a loud "ewww, no!" roar from the floor. My head is still carrying some type of beat, like the sound you hear from the car three cars behind you where you are feeling vibrations on your steering wheel. You know what I mean.

Thing is as I watched my 13 yo dancing (I sure didn't know she knew that move!! Much less the song!!) I realized I have become "a mom". Well sure, I have known I was a mom since my oldest was born over 23 years ago, but I wasn't "a mom". I was still a cool person, in the know, you know? I thought back then that I would never be out of the know. Nope, not me. I would keep up with trends, clothes styles, music, tv shows...yep, I was cool.

When did it happen? I didn't feel it happening. Surely, it must have been when I was sleeping. Really. I think I woke up one day and didn't know the world out there anymore. Wow. I am my mother. My father. Maybe even my grandmother!

I guess maybe I have seen a little of it coming, now that I am thinking about it. My daughter will look at my clothes sometimes and say, "uh, no mom. Not good". What?!!! Then, I get defensive and say, "well I am not in Jr. High!! I can't wear Abercrombie. They make their Larges like Smalls. Shows every little bulge!! Imagine what it might do to a slightly bigger than little one?" While I defend it, I do feel a twinge of loss of my youth. It passes, though.

I am getting older. We all are. This is what we are supposed to do. Right? Yes. But, that does not mean anything bad. On the contrary, it is good. I like that I am wiser. I am more comfortable with who I am, even the not-so-good side. I like that I have choices and I am in charge of them. I still grow, every day I learn something new and I am in awe that I did. I actually recognize it. I like my music. My choice of tv shows. My clothes need some help, but I tend to buy less for me because I do not work outside the home. But I will and when I do, I will have a field day shopping. Right now, it costs an arm and a leg to keep a teen happy with her clothes!

Yes, I am my mother, my father and my grandparents. And I like it.

Learning a new language is tough!

Boy oh boy! It is hard enough to keep up with the diverse languages in this country but in your own home? Geesh! First, I had to learn how to read a newborns mind. Easy enough, huh? Got that down and while I was still communicating in that language-BOOM! Toddler-ese comes along. That one was a little harder than newborn. This one truly depended on not only their moods, but mine too. It is really hard to continue to be frustrated at the little bundle when you know that they don't understand you. Toddlers? Different story. They do understand you, they just don't want to. Get through that! There are also subsets of that language such as; the paccie garble, the words-through-sobs language, the all-of-a-sudden-I-am-too-shy-to-speak language, and how about knowing when to distinguish a serious "mommy" over a not so serious one? Whew? I could be a child interpreter. I wonder if the FBI or the CIA needs one? I already have the experience.

But, wait! The adolescent language! Almost forgot that one. I wish I could have hired an interpreter for this lesson. Let me say this was truly the toughest one. It was like someone replaced the kids that were mine with some foreign beings. Overnight. I really did lock the windows and doors at night so the aliens didn't get in. Guess they don't pay attention to locks.

If you could get them to speak, it was either a "what do you know" language or a "do I have to?" whiny language. Oh yeah, let me not forget the "mom, I really love you, can I..." language. It was pretty predictable, which is a nice change because toddler-ese is so not!

Somewhere in there came high tech and the "IM, texting" language. It really does exist. It is just not a TV commercial for T-Mobile. This is how we communicate now:

Me: So, what time is the show?

Her: idk

Me: Where is it at? I need to know so that I can put it in my schedule. Are you getting a ride to or from? I will do one way but...

Her: MOM--OMG! Y? u said b4 that u wuld drv!!

Me: ok, just find the info out that I need so I know what is going on.

Her: k, mom, ily.

And they actually SAY the letters. Crazy. I can see why kids are struggling with learning how to spell. Spell check actually has a field day with that!



Unfortunately for the youngest, I know the language now. I am well versed and sometimes she pays for the past lessons. I have to be careful and realize every child is different. Yet, on the other hand, they are only a stone's throw from all being the same.

Get your license!!

Apparently not every teenager is in a hurry to get their license. I want to know if anyone has noticed this lately, but it seems that there are more and more teens putting off getting their license.

My second daughter didn't get hers until she was 18 and was just fine with that. She was either toted (not by me) around, paid friends, walked or didn't go anywhere. Just fine with that. My son is 17 and still does not have his. I ask him about this and he says that it is his dad's fault. Maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. Now, I will say that my ex does drag his feet about everything. He is late to everything and thinks it is OK. Bad lesson for the children. It grinds me.

Anyway, I remember when getting you license was HUGE! Especially, it seemed, for boys. They counted down the minutes. I got mine later than usual because I didn't have a car to drive. I barely had one to take the test in. Brakes were bad, blinkers didn't work, you had to manually flick them. I think they passed me because they did not want to have to ride in that old Vega again.

I told my ex that I will not go around chasing after a 17 yo that should have his license. So, if he wants to tote him all over, go for it. He says he thinks that my son is scared and he doesn't want to put him on the road being afraid. Well, you know, I think most kids are scared. It is what keeps them on their toes at first. Too cocky and there will be accidents. You have to trust them, like it or not, at some point. I told his dad that Shane (my son) did not need to go on a cross country trip right away but that I was sure he could navigate the city. Geez. Give the kid some credit. He has been driving. He has put his hours in.

I think it comes down to this: my ex is scared that his little boy is growing up.

Halloween with teens...

When my kids were young, Halloween was really kind of exciting. Maybe I can say that now, looking back. Dressing them up in outfits of characters they dream of growing up to be, (sorry about the grim reapers, the Jasons, Freddies and such. Mine liked princesses, except my son who was into Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles) with makeup they were only allowed to wear at this time and getting all the candy you could for once.

Fast forward, and I do mean fast, to adolescence. OK, Taylor's Tinkerbell costume was actually cute once she borrowed a green dress from her older sis. Of course, I was not allowed to walk with her, which I didn't think I would ever miss. She was going with friends. One thing you didn't have to worry about when you were with your toddlers. Off she went into the night.

We just got her a cell phone so that she could communicate with us so I was OK with that but...you still worry.

Me and hubby sat out on the porch, was a great night this year weather-wise, and passed out candy to all the little goblins and gabbed to the parents in tow. We live in a sub that is a circle, one way in and the same way out. This is not necessarily conducive for running and hitting all the houses you can. Plus, you can't glance down the street and see if it is even worth it because you can't view all the homes to see if their lights are on. So about 7:30 pm we were done. I figured (shame on me, that was a lesson long ago learned from the older girls) that she would call me soon to pick her up at her friends. Nope. I finally called her after 8 and she said she was on her way to her friends, she was in a sub by the school. OK, that could be ANYWHERE. We have been here almost 4 years and I still manage to get lost in the subs, always amazed at the streets I never knew were in there. I told her to hurry and call me when she got there.

8:30 pm-nothing. I call her, she tells me they are in a sub by the school, making their way out. Hmmm. I am not happy. Get to the school and call me NOW, I say.

8:50 pm-nothing. I call her and tell her that I am coming to the school and she best be there. She is blaming it all on her friend and trying hard to get out of this one. I am furious (mostly because she had me so worried, but I don't let her know that right away)

9:00 pm-I get to the school and lo and behold! some other kids (boys) are walking the other way as if they didn't know anyone else was around. Hmmmm, I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday. My kids never did get that.

All in all, she was safe and that is important. Equally important was me explaining to her the dangers of "hanging out" at night and that I don't care what your friends are saying or doing, you know the difference between right and wrong AND you have a phone so if you don't exercise those options, you are just as guilty.

And, she will be passing out candy next year.